The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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