You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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