I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
