Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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