They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
