If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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