I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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