I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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