return my video game
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
