You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize