Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize