I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
