I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
