I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
