How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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