At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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