I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize