I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
