i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
