she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
