he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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