Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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