what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
