My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
