I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
