Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
