I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
