you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
