I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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