listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize