oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
