I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
