Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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