u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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