I'm going to rape someone's good day.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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