i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
