woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
