Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
