I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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