New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
