How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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