And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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