Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
