What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
