I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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