Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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