she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
