i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize