i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
