Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize