I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
high people should be assigned attendants
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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