im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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