I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
