so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
