so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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