Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
