I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cockslap morals
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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