I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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